Models and Mortals.

The whole time, I was thinking to myself, this isn't me, this isn't me, everyone congratulating me telling me I am doing a good job. Why don't I model. Do I model. A favor for a friend became a headache for me. I never played in my mother's make-up I would cringe whenever I seen them dolled up b-tches prance around my way in their dolly shoes, and become a diva. I just wanted to be me. I was out of my comfort zone today.

While the whole time I was feeling uncomfortable uneasy, and annoyed. The other girl was a experienced model and I was ... A mortals.. I kept thinking about the episode of sex and the city where carrie got the chance to model. I had to laugh, while everyone was shouting direction the photographer told me, "be natural". Which I consider a f-cking oxymoron, how can I be natural with all the make-up on my face.

 I spend my nights engrossed in my natural skin- reading books and writing stories. Writers don't do this shit. I don't like attention and I do not like being dolled up, . I never wanted to model. My mother tried to get to model, but I simply told her no, I wonder why I was adamant to do it this time. I do not like following direction. I like to be free and spirited and do as I please. I like being cute without the make-up. I like being dolled up with mascara and eyeliner and a shot of gold. Not looking like I am apart of the thiller video, she tells me "It goes with the rocker look" I wanted to tell her kiss my ass but I pretended to be a good sport.

I wasn't such a good sport walking out of the place where the shoot took place. I couldn't get the make-up off in the rest room, so I had to walk to my dorm, feeling bozo the clown. I've been washing my face away, it's so red. I am nervous about this pictures, although everyone was excited I wasn't, I wasn't at all. I guess because my support system wasn't there it was uncomfortable. But I got through it, will I do it again? NO! ... maybe ... NO TIME SOON.

Male-Bashing is old fashion.

 As females, we never give men a chance to grow. We always push for them to be men and act like men, but we don't know how to be women ourselves. I was in the middle of doing my Gender Studies homework and I went to pay my FB a visit. I came across a female status which stated "I wish I got surprises and stuff isn't that the point of having a boyfriend" that wasn't the interesting part. The interesting part was when a female said "nope. They're just around for sex nd emotional support" and I was flabbergasted.Even more flabbergasted at three people liking this comment -- yes were young and were told that relationships aren't that "serious" or "they won't last" but, the reason they aren't lasting because a mind set like that.

Of course we know , it takes a while for boys to become men or even "grow up", we have to let them grow and develop into their own. As woman we are pushy for the things that we feel we deserve. Always forcing and forcing and forcing can push someone away. 

Complaining how he isn't good enough on FB is like telling all his homeboys his penis is small -- as far as men being around for only sex and emotional support that a mindset, that woman over years, have become accustom to -- men aren't that bad, not bad at all. We always discredit them, especially african american woman, we regurgitate things, what we heard our mother say about our absent fathers (not saying this is all cases), we listen to our friends, and we let heartbreak dissolve our faith in guys period. One thing for sure, sometimes as female we give people titles and get upset when they don't live up to our exceptions of whom we want them to be. Sometimes, we blame a broken heart on men, instead of realizing we fooled ourselves MEN ARE NOT COMPLICATED they do not move in complex forms, MOST are straight forward.

Back to the topic, We are so caught in being "queens" and "princesses","ride or die","main girls" in our mind we forget about reality, let go of the fallacies and wake up. While we are always blaming men for not doing something, I realize we never let them know we appreciate them or we care or we see that they're trying but we are very quick , to tell them when they're doing something wrong I am guilty of this too. ask yourself, do you surprise him? do you kept him interested? do you invest in his emotions as much as you expect him to invest in yours? A relationship is 50/50 and full of compromising please, don't let FB dehumanized relationships.  


Relationships aren't valued, you should never pour your heart out in the pool full of sharks (FB) it will rip you to shreds such as the comment. Communication is everything of course and eliminate the FB communication! What I have notice, is FB is not a gateway for emotions when your in a relationship nine time out of ten, your boyfriend has a whole bunch of bitter females on this newsfeed, he may hardly recognize yours and consider it in your genotype. If he isn't surprising you,surprise him with nice gifts then maybe he'll catch the hint!

Well I have to go back to work, I just had to get that out sidenote: If your dealing with a man and that's all he wants and you know it, you're an asshole, know your worth always.

On the job,

Many days I would hear Kahil tell me how much he hates his job, or he's tired of working or just plain ol' tired. I could never relate, because I haven't worked since I was fourteen years old. I'm economically inclined and challenged at this moment, life and time of a college student but this isn't a new tune.


I laid here listening to the shower running, gaining strength to get in.Thinking, today is one of those days where nothing seems to make sense and all I could hear in my head is "What would carrie do?" insane, but I feel as if I identify with a forty something year old woman.I racked my brain and insanely enough I came up with something to share. Although I am self proclaimed Ms.Jobless In The City, I realized I was half way lying I indeed do have a job, that offers just as much as a pay check and that Job, is my relationship.


No I am not insane or love sick, but I thought about a job I do not have and my relationship and as much time and effort you put in a relationship, you could be considered a working man or woman, so I consider all you unemployed low lives -- work for love. Okay, I am kidding but seriously , relationships are unrated a lot my generation solely doesn't believe in love, or lasting relationships because well, they just don't it's foreign, but I thank them for always giving me something to talk about, because without a negative environment I would haven't nothing to write about but back to my logic, so I went into carrie mode and figured.  


Relationships are like jobs, you and your significant other are managers together y'all keep the job functioning and going on, the job of course being love. The employees are your friends they are their to support you when things go wrong, or prevent them from going wrong in my case I would consider my cousin employee of the month because when I am not level headed she keeps it functioning and reminds me what I have even when I don't remember. without them or in my case without her things might get hectic, or at least more hectic than they do. Employees are important, but not more important than the managers, the managers must communicate between each other before going to an employee UNDERSTANDING is the most important thing. The boss of course would be your heart, and the mind is the inspector/owner of the business to make sure, your heart is guiding you in the right direction for success sidenote: (the mind only works on some people, your mind is luxury if you have it, cherish it a lot of people don't) your customers are the outsider, the people that  aren't apart of your relationship but can have the tendency of turning shit upside down you can consider ( fake friends, ex's , family members) customers. In this case the customers are hardly right


As I lay on my bed watching ABDC I think about how much sense this makes to me, what happens when your not satisfied with the job when your boss and owner isn't meeting eye to eye? when your feeling low on the stock of love? when it limited supply of communication? when your other manager isn't listening? when the employee is on a day off? when customers have more position in the job then the mangers. what do you do.. resign? quit? or do you take vacation? do you go to the "boss" and remove him/her from the job? or do you take your time and work at it? or do you plain ol old fashion call in sick?


Just when I thought I wasn't capable of working a job , I looked at my relationship nine months and counting it's indeed a job, I guess my other job experience may ruin my position at my new job, but you can't help wonder why you ever resigned or quit or shit got fried from your last job...and when you think about your work experience you realize you never downgrade your position only upgrade if you working at lets say Def Jam records you can't go back to flipping burgers at mc donalds. As Jay-z said "When you use to filet mignon it's hard to go back to hamburger helper" . Your job is to take control of the position and work at it , and make sure to always upgrade and never downgrade, to an old job! NEVER NEVER NEVER ...NEVER!


I guess I made a few mistakes in this relationship, I want to erase my resume and start over again, because I am sure what I have now is where I want to retire. 


*sigh* Well, shower time Khole and Lamar come on at ten

Genocide of loyalty

What's your name? Say it about ten times. After you say your name around ten times, don't you realize it sounds a little funny. As if your name isn't yours. I guess when you put emphasis on things it starts to lose it meaning such as relationships, friendships etc. Loyalty is something everyone wants which makes it very ,scarce everyone wants a loyal person, who wouldn't? This morning before I checked my email, I went down my FB newsfeed and a guy posed this question. "Where are the loyal females?" and I had to laugh. I thought back to what Kahil told me last night, "You can dish it, but you can't take it" something in that nature. Is loyalty a two way street? I see a lot of guys and girls asking for loyalty but the question is, can you handle it? You can't expect someone to be loyal to you , if you aren't loyal period. A unloyal person will never recognize a loyal person.


Being loyal has became a characteristic and no longer the way of life, I am no saint. Which bring me to the idea that loyalty has to be earned. Loyalty and trust go hand in hand. Those are the main factor that keeps any relation together. Everyone wants to feel secure. I had an incident where I and cheated and the girl told, I was angry and wanted to know "Where her loyalty stood" but then thinking about it, where was my own loyalty to my relationship at the time? I called her all type of names vowed to never talk to her again,but I thought about it I had did the same thing to her, as she did to me. So whose really the bad guy? (off subject) moving along...


A question like "Where are the loyal females?" should never be posed on a place like FB where the poser are. You have to know what loyalty looks like, you have to practice being loyal (it's not easy). You have to know the ethics of how to treat people. Which I myself am still learning. One ground rule about life, that I was taught is"Treat people how you want to be treated"(refer to the paragraph above) so with that said you want someone to be loyal, you have to be loyal to people , you are what you attract, if you can't find someone that loyal, you can refer to the mirror. Loyalty is hard to come by ,I have learned it's like my generation doesn't believe in the ethics how you treat people. With so much freedom of speech and room to give opinion, what should people expect.